Risking the relationship

On deepening friendships and building (actual) community

I have been thinking about how in my therapy training we were taught to ‘risk the relationship’—not arbitrarily, or carelessly, but strategically, when a client needed to hear or reflect on something more than they needed their relationship with us to be ‘good’.

I think of this often when I sitting on something in the room with someone who I want the best for and don’t want to harm, shame them, or be disliked for. Often these moments are turning points for clients, and for the relationship—coming close to the edge of something and risking it all going to shit.

Then yesterday in my wonderful Gather and Grow group we were talking about what it means to be held by, and contribute to, our communities and friendships. We chatted through how much risk is implicit in this, how it takes conscious risk taking to set the tone of relationships so that they can practically and emotionally support each person.

Photo by Stefan Vladimirov on Unsplash

I thought about my own hesitations about being ‘too much’, the fear of being intrusive or that people will be put off by my advances in some way. I would say this is pretty weighted towards how women we are socialised to be helpful and caring, but not too loud, or too bossy, or too much of anything at all. Just the right amount—whatever the hell that even is. We can get lost in this fear, and so while we often do really want to support other women in our communities, and know that we can also ask for help, we are strangled by the what-ifs.

The what-ifs are keeping us separate. The what-ifs are robbing us of the experience of true, messy relationships.